Lose Yourself
by Lovenyx125
Summary: Edward, a feared entity in the Mafia circle, has clawed his way to the top over a biting past rooted in poverty and criminal activity. When Bella, a girl born to privilege, finds herself wanting to help him fight his demons, she quickly realizes that perhaps her existence is the very thing he despises.
1. Almost

**Title:** Lose Yourself

**Author:** Lovenyx125 (Moi)

**Fandom:** Twilight

**Rating:** MA

**Pairing:** Edward Cullen/Bella Swan

**Disclaimer:** I don't know Edward. I don't know Bella. I don't own either one of them or the other characters in this story. I don't mean to cause harm, confusion, or headaches. I am merely writing this for the pleasure of my readers and myself. Also, please don't sue me…I don't do well in jail and I have no money. Void where prohibited.

**Summary:** Edward, a feared entity in the Mafia circle, has clawed his

way to the top over a biting past rooted in poverty and criminal activity.

When Bella, a girl born to privilege, finds herself wanting to help him fight

his demons, she quickly realizes that perhaps her existence is the very thing

he despises.

**Authors Note: **Hi guys! I recently had this idea for a story when I was working on _Trails of Dreams_ so I decided to give it a try. My wonderful Beta is Mockingjay272. I will try to write consistently and a lot. I would love positive and constructive criticism in reviews or even a PM. Or if you have questions you can ask through, again, reviews and PMs. I don't wish to sound needy but I will tell you now that I thrive on reviews. Usually the more reviews I get means I am more inspired and motivated to write more. If you like this fanfic please recommend it to your buddies. I really want to spread the love. Also, please check out my other fanfic, _Trails of Dreams_.

**Next Update:** Friday, September 7th, 2012

**Lose Yourself**

**Chapter 1: Almost**

_Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity_

_To seize everything you ever wanted_

_One moment_

_Would you capture it or just let it slip?_

_~ Eminem, Lose Yourself_

[EPOV]

_**18 years ago…**_

_The sky was crying and crying. It's tear falling hard and fast on the streets of Chicago. Everything in sight was soaked from the brick walls and concrete floors to the cars and people going by. Everyone was in a rush; some to get home, some to meet others for dinner, and some just going along with the crowd. This was Chicago and much like New York City, everything was crowded and everybody was in a rush. No one ever stopped to take an actual look at his or her surroundings. They never noticed the homeless littered in the entrances of alleys. Even those who stood under the shelter of the roofs of restaurants and stores that stuck out didn't notice what or who was around them. They were all so self absorbed to notice anything but themselves. _

_ I stood in the alleyway, hidden by darkness and people's obliviousness. The roof of the restaurant I stood next to gave me good shelter from the rain and two buildings I stood between protected me from the cold wind. It didn't mean I wasn't cold though. I was shivering as I slid down to the ground, my back scraping the brick wall painfully. I hugged my knees to my chest and tried to ignore the tremors rippling through me. I could feel the cold in my bones. My clothes were sopping wet and clung to my skin. I knew that anyone who saw me would scream. I looked terrifying. My ribs stuck out like a red rose on a white paper. My skin, a sickly yellowish colour, was sticking to my bones giving me the look of a corpse. Mud and grime stuck to my fingernails and my hair while I wished desperately for a warm bath. How long had it been since I had one? Months? A year? Who knows? I had lost track of time ever since I had run away from that wretched place. _

_Though I did know when I had last eaten. Four days. It had been four days since even a morsel of food had entered my mouth. The constant, throbbing ache in my stomach and the painful weakness of my entire body didn't let me forget that. My body was destroyed beyond fixture. I was malnourished and about to get pneumonia. _

_I didn't dare go to sleep, afraid I wouldn't wake up from the nightmarish slumber. Though, the idea that I wouldn't wake up did have a certain appeal to it. To never have to return to my horrendous life of the streets. To never have to be treated like scum or ever go hungry. It had a very beautiful appeal._

_My eyelids began to drop despite cold and I let out a shuddering yawn. I just really wanted to go to sleep. Perhaps I could lean against the dumpster that was a mere foot away._

_So with the little remaining energy I had left, I crawled over to the dumpster. The palms of my hands ached when they pressed against the rough and rocky ground. I sat with my back against the wall and my head leaning to the side on the dumpster. _

_Again my eyelids began to flutter close but a loud bang brought my body back to life. Light filtered into the alleyway from the other side of the dumpster. Slowly, I leaned over and poked my head out from the side of the dumpster. I saw a man in white come out of the side door of the restaurant with burnt loaves in his hands. My stomach growled loudly at the sight of food. The man looked up and glared at me._

"_Shoo! Run away you filthy piece of street scum! Don't dirty the property of this restaurant with your disgusting body. Shoo!" he shouted in a French accent. _

_I cringed and crawled back to lean against the wall and the dumpster. I heard the man throw the burnt bread into the dumpster and leave but he left the door open. I knew I should wait until the door was closed but the hunger in my body took over my mind._

_Faster than I had moved all day, I crawled to the front of the dumpster and stood up on shaky legs. I jumped and gripped the edge of the dumpster. I was slightly tall for a seven year old but I was still smaller than the dumpster. With all my weight on my hands, I peered in and smiled faintly at the loaves of bread. I griped on with one hand and used the other hand to grab the bread. I left go and fell to the ground. Immediately, I started stuffing my face with the bread. Despite being charred, it tasted wonderful though I'm sure in my current state, even cardboard would taste great. I was so busy eating that I didn't even notice the cook come back._

_He picked me up by the scruff of the neck and I glanced up at him in fear. I clutched the remaining bread hard to my chest and winced when he started yelling._

"_You rotten fool. Thief! How dare you steal the bread? Disgusting filth like you give Chicago a bad name! You thief! You piece of scum! Go die in a sewer!"_

_Before I could beg him or say anything he threw me to the ground. I fell hard of my back. I tried to get up but the cook kicked me in the stomach._

_I groaned in pain but he continued to kick me everywhere he could get his foot. I felt blood pour from my nose and I was pretty sure it was broken. I heard and felt my ribs crack from repeated kicks._

_Every time he hit me, he yelled, "Scum! Filth! Thief! Disgusting!"_

_Every part of my body was groaning in pain but the chef didn't stop. I was covered in blood and I kept screaming, "Stop! Please! I'm sorry! I beg of you! Stop! Please!"_

_The man was cruel and heartless as he kept kicking me. I was pretty sure he was trying to kill me. Eventually, I stopped screaming and I could feel myself slipping from unconsciousness. Death was coming. I could feel it. I smiled inwardly at the thought of no more pain and hunger. No more cold and weakness. No more insults and death threats. No more me. No more Edward Anthony Masen._

"_STOP!"_

And that's when I woke up gasping for air. Sweat dripped from my body, mixed with the tears flowing down my cheeks. This wasn't the first time I dreamt about the time I had died.

Almost.


	2. The Hidden Sister

**Authors Note: **Hey awesome readers! I hope you liked the little flashback/dream in the first chapter. This chapter sheds some light on how Edward is around his family. He's sort of soft actually. The next chapter will be focused on showing off his bad and mean side. Cheers!

**Next Update:** Friday, September 14th, 2012

**Lose Yourself**

**Chapter 2: The Hidden Sister**

_The soul's escaping, through this hole that is gaping_

_This world is mine for the taking_

_Make me king, as we move toward a new world order_

_A normal life is boring, but superstardom's close to post mortem_

_~ Eminem, Lose Yourself_

[EPOV]

The cold spray of water on my sweltering skin was a huge relief. I could feel my body temperature dropping along with my sweat. I looked down and saw soap, water, and sweat, all mixed together, going down the drain. It was as if they were taking my stress with them. I could feel myself calming down and my heart rate lowering to normal. I really needed this cold shower, as it was a stress reliever and just relaxing.

I turned off the water and leaned out of the shower to grab my towel. Wrapping it around my waist I walked out and over to my walk-in closet. The closet was the size of bedroom – not a small one – and held numerous clothes from all kinds of designers. I sighed and grabbed the first suit, pants, and tie set I saw. They turned out Armani, which I actually really liked. It would do.

When I finished dressing, I grabbed my cell and texted my driver to get my white _Jaguar Sports Cabriolet_ out and ready. Today I felt like showing off and it was a Friday so why not celebrate.

The elevator ride from my penthouse to the bottom floor was a drag. Of course you needed a special card key to ride the elevatator all the way up to the penthouse but that special card key didn't stop people from ogling at me. In the elevator, along with me, was an old lady, a man reading the newspaper with a briefcase next to him, and a twelve-year-old teenager that kept fluttering her eyelashes at me. When the man and the little girl got off – thank god! – the old lady started talking.

"You're that Cullen guy that my granddaughter always talks about, aren't you?" she garbled at me.

"I guess so," I said uncomfortably. Old ladies always unhinged me off my usual confident manner. "I wouldn't really know since I haven't met her."

The lady's eyes widened and she offered with a smile, "Would you like to? I'm sure you'd just make beautiful babies."

Now it was my eyes that widened and I let out a cough. "E-excuse me?"

See, this is what I meant. They were so physcotic that you can never know what to expect from them. They always end up talking about babies and try to hook you up with their granddaughters or even their divorced daughters. No wonder old ladies freaked me out and made me lose my cool.

The old lady wasn't listening to my protests though. She was too busy planning my honeymoon with her granddaughter. I just backed into the corner, waiting for the elevator to stop. With every second that dredged by I lost more and more of my sanity. Thankfully, the cursed elevator stopped just before she started talking about boy baby names. I all but ran front the elevator and didn't stop until I was outside. My head security guard, Felix, nodded at me and opened the driver's door for me. I loved driving my jaguar. After I was seated, he walked over to the passenger's side and settled in.

"All clear in rider 1," he spoke into his phone. My other security officials answered and then he nodded at me. "All clear Mr. Cullen. We may proceed."

I began to drive and in my rear view mirror I could see my security following in black cars.

It didn't take long, a little bit more than half an hour, to drive to Staten island where my parents, Carlisle and Esme, lived. They were actually my Uncle and Aunt but to me they were like my parents. They had been since I was fifteen. Now ten years later, they were still my parents.

When I reached their home on North Shore, the guards opened the gate once they saw whom it was, my nameplate 'CULLEN' and the procession that followed. Before the car even stopped, half of my guards were out and alert. It wasn't until Felix came around, opened the door, and gave me that all clear that I could get out. Safety first. They followed me to the door and stationed themselves outside the house as protocol.

Before I could ring the doorbell, the door flew open and someone hugged me around my waist. I looked down and chuckled when I saw it was Alice, my cousin. Honestly she was more like my sister and had been for the past few years. Sometimes it felt like we were biologically siblings since we always had this close bond and could sense each other's feelings but we all knew it wasn't true. We were just cousin and we figured we were close because our DNA matched more than usual.

"Edward!" she squealed happily as I hugged her back. "I missed you!"

"I missed you too Alice."

She pulled back and glared at me. "Why didn't you call me?"

I raised my hands up in mock surrender and apologized. "Sorry Alice. I got real busy."

"Doing what?" she raised her eyebrows, challenging me to tell the truth.

"You know I can't say Ali," I told her gently as her eyes got sad. "C'mon. Let's go in. Whose here already?"

"Just Jasper and Rosalie," she said as a faint tinge came to her cheeks. I knew she liked Jasper but she'd never mentioned anything to me. Jasper liked her too but he wouldn't dare try anything on my sister.

I followed her into the house and to the kitchen. There I found my mother cooking while my dad poured wine.

"Edward," Esme said in a relieved tone as she wrapped me into a hug.

"Hey mom," I said gently and kissed her cheek. "Need help?"

Yeah, the guy that everyone is scared shitless of is a huge softy when it comes to his mom.

"Oh no. You just go and take a seat in the living room."

"Hello son," Carlisle spoke up from behind Esme. She pulled away so he could hug me. Yeah, my family loved hugs.

"Hey dad."

"How's work going?"

"It's good. Not bad at all."

Carlisle was a surgeon and he didn't necessarily approve of the work I did but he didn't say anything. He always found time to ask me how it was going but he never wanted details. He called it his 'need to know' issue but he also never stopped me from doing what I do. He understood why my work was close to me and never took it away.

"That's nice. Why don't you go take a seat in the living room with Jasper and Rose? I'll be right over there as soon as I get the drinks poured."

I nodded and headed over to the living room. It was one of my favourite rooms in this house. It was all soft and warm…something that didn't occur often in my profession. My life was filled with cold and hard moments. Morning like this were a rare treat for me, filled with love and warmth. Truly, a morning without illegal activity was rare and actually okay. It was nice.

Jasper was examining a new painting on the wall and Rosalie was sitting on the sofa, legs crossed, flipping through a magazine. They both looked up when I entered.

"Edward," Jasper nodded and I walked over to him. We exchanged a one armed hug and grinned at each other.

"Armani again Edward? Didn't Alice have a fit?" Rosalie drawled as she smirked at my outfit and raised a brow.

"Didn't you already wear that dress once? Recycling are we?" I smirked back and gestured to her Valentino red dress. She got up and walked over to me. Anyone who didn't know Rosalie would've backed away from her icy stare and emotionless mask. I knew her well enough to know that her intentions weren't negative.

She engulfed me in a hug and I wrapped my arms around her as well. There was nothing romantic between us. I shuddered at the thought. People often don't believe me when I say I don't like her that way. Sure Rosalie is gorgeous but she really isn't my type. The fiery blonde bombshell is an absolute hot bitch but really she isn't a turn on – to me at least. She is like my sister though not by blood. She's more suited to Emmett – wait – who am I kidding? She's the perfect match for Emmett. She keeps that huge teddy bear on a short leash and absolutely pussy whipped. It's actually thanks to me that Emmett and Rosalie met. Emmett works for me as my personal bodyguard and whether he's on duty or not, he's my best friend. He saved me from getting shot once and because of that I promptly offered him a job in my empire. He agreed, as long as his family didn't get involved, and the rest is history. Rosalie is great with auto mechanics and when Emmett totaled my brand new Ferrari I took it to Rosalie. Emmett came with me and when she found out he was the one that wrapped it around a tree…well let's just say it was quite comical. She whipped a wrench at him and he then decided he had to have her. It took him weeks and weeks of romantic pursuit to thaw out her icy heart and let him in. It was worth it though. Now two years later they're getting married and hopelessly excited about it.

"Emmett loves this dress and I only wore it for a small dinner once." she chuckled in his ear. Anyone who knew Rosalie also knew that nothing she did was 'small'. She simply didn't do 'small' and that meant small dinner parties were out of the question.

"Speaking of him." Edward frowned as stepped back. "Where is he?"

"He just called. He's a bit late but he's on his way," Jasper spoke from his place at the mantel. "This painting is quite exquisite, don't you think?"

"Why thank you Jasper hon," Esme said sweetly as she walked into the room ahead of Carlisle, who was carrying a tray full of wine. "I recently acquired it from a prestigious auction. I do love it so."

Jasper bowed his chin and then nodded for me to sit next to him on the adjacent couch. He wanted to discuss business.

Once everyone was seated Esme looked around and her smile fell.

"Where is my future nephew-in-law?" she wondered and turned to Rosalie for answers.

"He's coming. He had a little situation with his sister," she explained.

Esme nodded and then turned to me.

"You really should visit more often. I feel like I barely know you at all," she spoke with a purse of her lips.

"I saw you on Monday at the hospital," I pointed out.

"Too long," she said quietly. Then she turned to her husband with bright eyes. "Tell them the joke you heard."

"Maybe we should wait until Emmett is hear," Carlisle suggested. "I'm sure he would appreciate the joke more than anyone else."

Jasper and I groaned as we realized that that meant that the joke was dirty. Of course. Typical Carlisle and Esme.

As if on cue, the doorbell rang and Alice rushed from the kitchen to the hallway, yelling, "I got it!"

"Mommy I'm home," came a cheery yell from the doorway.

Esme shook her head but called back with a smile, "In here sweetie."

Esme wasn't actually Emmett's mother but she treated him like his son and he called her mom. He was close enough to be my brother so it didn't really matter.

Emmett came stomping behind Alice in typical Emmett-fashion and with a grin on his face.

"Sorry I'm late everyone," he apologized as he hugged Esme. "My sister made cookies and my stomach wouldn't let me walk out the door without them."

Rosalie pulled away from his hug and scoffed. "Seriously?"

Jasper groaned along with everyone else and said, "Really Emmett? That was your situation?"

Emmett nodded and waggled his eyebrows. "It was a hungry situation."

"Why didn't you bring your sister along?" Esme scolded him. "It's not nice to just leave her at home. What would she think of us?"

Emmett shrugged and took a seat next to Rosalie. "Her friends are dragging her out to a girls night out and she wouldn't come even if she were free."

"Or rather you wouldn't let her," Jasper accused.

Emmett squirmed under his soft glare and Esme's hard one. Jasper was right. Emmett wouldn't allow her to come because he didn't want her associated to me in any way at all. To be honest it was more that he didn't want her coming in contact with me. Since he was marrying Rosalie, a high member of my empire, she would be associated to me. So he just didn't want her to meet me. He was extremely over-protective of her. I doubt she even knew who Emmett's boss was and what he actually did. I couldn't see Emmett telling her the truth about me. He probably told her some lie about me being just a rich businessman. Well it wasn't really a lie. I was a businessman but not the kind that was entirely legal.

"What about the wedding?" I asked him sharply. "We're going to meet there. Am I not invited then?"

Esme winced and opened her mouth to scold me but Emmett beat her to the words.

"Really Edward? You're my best friend and I'm marrying your best friend. You really think I would kick you out of my wedding? Besides, my sister would kill me if she found I didn't let my boss and brother-from-another-mother come to my wedding. So would Rose now that I think of it," he snapped back and actually said 'brother-from-another-mother' in a ghetto sort of voice.

I shrugged but didn't apologize. Emmett always shied his sister from my family and me. Heck, he didn't even tell us her name. He mentioned something about not wanting to hear her name ever escape our lips and the wrong people hearing it.

"I don't care what you say but after the wedding she is going to be my best friend," Alice cried. "I can feel it."

"She's right Em. You can't keep her from being friends with her in laws," Jasper said patiently.

"You're keeping a daughter away from me," Esme said warningly. "I'll be damned if I don't have her over for dinner and other stuff every week."

Emmett nodded and let out a tired sigh. "I figured she'd have to meet you guys sooner or later. I had just hoped for later. I guess this is as late as it gets."

"Maybe you should bring her around before the wedding," Carlisle recommended lightly.

"I'm meeting her tomorrow night," Rosalie added quietly.

None of us knew that so we were fairly shocked. Jasper and I grinned while Esme beamed at Rosalie and Emmett. Emmett gave a shy smile as Carlisle clapped him on the back.

"Ooh! Lucky duck!" Alice pouted. "I want to meet her too."

"At the wedding Alice," Emmett assured her. "I don't want her overwhelmed. She's already nervous as it is."

"She's nervous?" Rosalie repeated disbelievingly. She shook her head and wondered, "Why?"

"Well she is meeting you Rose," Alice pointed out mischievously.

Rosalie rolled her eyes and said, "Hush it pixie."

"She thinks you won't like her," Emmett explained with a frown on his face.

Rosalie frowned at his confession and admitted quietly, "I'm afraid she won't like me."

After that silence rang loudly in the big room as everyone watched Emmett console a distressed Rosalie. Rosalie was never one to show her negative emotions – positive ones sometimes too – so the pain in her voice meant she was tearing up on the inside.

Once we were certain that Rosalie was fine we sat quietly, waiting for someone to break the tension.

"So about the joke?" Carlisle suggested and everyone agreed on hearing it, Jasper and me a bit more reluctantly. "Okay so a doctor and his wife were having an argument in bed," he started and paused when Esme giggled. I rolled my eyes as Carlisle continued, "'You aren't so good in bed either' he shouted and went off to work angry."

"Are you sure we want to hear this?" Jasper interrupted with a quick glance at Alice. "I'm not sure this is the right kind of humor for a family get together."

"Quiet cowboy," Emmett said loudly. "I wanna hear the rest of it."

"So a few hours later he decided to call his wife and apologize. She didn't pick up until after the phone rang several times. So the doctor asked her what took so long for her to answer and then she said she was in bed. He asked her what she was doing in bed so late…she said 'Getting a second answer!'"

Everyone roared with laughter and even I let out a few hearty chuckles. Dirty jokes from my parents were completely normal and in fact, amongst our closest families they were notorious for being extremely dirty. This was my family…my life. Not many people would be able to believe that Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, the cold-hearted killer and boss of a crime empire he himself had built from ashes, had a very normal – in some ways – family that loved him…despite his appetite for revenge.

Welcome to my world….


	3. Cleaning Up A Mess

**Authors Note: **Hey awesome readers! I hope you like this chapter. Sorry it's a little short and a day late but I was stuck in the hospital with my friend. This chapter is sort of portrayed how Edward doesn't really give a shit about anyone. Cheers!

**Next Update:** Friday, September 21th, 2012

**Lose Yourself**

**Chapter 3: Cleaning Up A Mess**

_I'm sorry momma!_

_I never meant to hurt you!_

_I never meant to make you cry; but tonight_

_I'm cleaning out my closet (one more time)_

_I said I'm sorry momma!_

_I never meant to hurt you!_

_I never meant to make you cry; but tonight_

_I'm cleaning out my closet_

_~ Eminem, Lose Yourself_

[EPOV]

"Boss? What're we gonna do?"

Felix's gruff voice brought me out of my morbid thoughts. Morbid. That was the word that could be used to describe my work life. Dark. Gloomy. Death. Killing people wasn't something I was opposed to. In fact, I loved it. I loved the thrill it gave me. The power of having someone's life in your hands and watching as it slowly drains out of them.

Many people would consider me sadistic if they heard my thoughts. In fact, those who have seen me kill and plot deaths would already call me sadistic. The control of someone's life drives me crazy and I don't hear anyone but myself. It gives me power. Control. I like control. When I don't have control of something it drives me insane. I just have to be in control. People who think they can get away with taking some control away from me are in for a nasty end. Just like Janoe Kerk.

"Kill him the moment he steps onto my turf," I growled. "Dead on sight. The motherfucker better start counting his hours. He was stupid enough to cross me. Me."

"Aight boss." Felix nodded and spoke quietly into his phone.

"Who the fuck names their kid Janoe anyways?" Jasper snorted. "What the fuck? They were probably high when they had the kid."

I nodded and mumbled, "He has parents?"

"Yeah. They were never married but lived together since his mom got knocked up by his druggie of a dad," Jasper confirmed. "Think they're hippies. Yeah. They are. Live in a fucking RV on welfare."

"Kill 'em too," I commanded coldly.

Felix nodded and left the room, leaving Jasper to shuffle through some documents.

I looked around my office and sighed. I really needed a makeover. The darkness was getting to me. The walls were a deep bloody colour and empty. I didn't bother putting up anything and honestly pictures of my family were out of the question. Anybody could see and target them. If they had the balls to go against me.

"Something isn't right."

I looked up and over at Jasper who watching me with a very serious expression. He was holding a copy of a drivers license so I assumed something was wrong with the document.

"What? Is it a fake?"

Jasper shook his head and said wonderingly, "I just don't understand. Why is Emmett so paranoid about keeping his sister away from us? Even Rose and your parents? I mean crime is such a trifling reason to hide family. Hell, we don't even know her name. Something else has to be the reason."

I snorted and asked, "Trifling? Really?"

"Seriously? Out of everything I just said you picked up that?" Jasper raised a brow and shook his head disbelievingly.

"I hear ya bro and you're right," I started and shrugged. "But it really doesn't matter now. We're gonna meet her next week at the wedding and Rosalie is meeting her tomorrow night. He won't be able to hide her anymore. Esme won't let her out of her clutches."

We chuckled at the vision of Esme convincing Bella to practically live with her and we knew it was going to happen. Esme loved company but sometimes she went overboard.

"True, true." Jasper nodded but then he looked up and asked, "Don't you still want to know?"

I shrugged. "Yeah. I guess. I really don't care much but I am curious."

"Ask him then. You can force him to tell you as a boss and his best friend," Jasper pointed out. "Mostly as a boss."

I nodded but then I realized something. "So can you. You're his best friend too you little bitch. Go find out. Isn't that your job? Finding the dirt on people?"

Jasper chuckled and nodded. "Alright boss."

"Don't call me that." I threw a pen at him. He caught it with a flick of his wrist.

"You know I'm actually surprised." I looked inquisitive so he explained, "That you didn't do a background check on his sister and have her stalked for suspicious activity."

"She's Emmett's sister. She's gotta be trustworthy. Besides, if Emmett is so keen on hiding her from mafia then she must be clean."

"Her dad is a cop. A pig," he pointed out with a sharp look.

"So is Emmett's but we trust him don't we?"

"I guess but –."

"Look. It's my job to decide whether or not I trust someone. Remember my sixth sense. I got a feel that this girl is definitely a pig's daughter. Clean. Pure. Innocent."

"You know in movies they usually show pig's girls as bad ass. You know those secret rebels who fuck every dick in a fifty mile radius."

"She's Emmett's sister. I'm sure she's not a whore."

"What if she was? Would you fuck her?"

Jasper's question caught me off guard. I gave him a dirty look and threw another pen at him.

"She's a pig's daughter. I don't fuck pig blood. You know I like 'em down and dirty. Wildcats. Not nuns," I snapped and rolled my eyes. Fucking pig blood was nasty shit. Not my fucking scene.

"Whatever. If she's hot then I'm down. Besides, the innocent shit turns me on. My dick loves it."

"It's your life. Emmett's gonna kill you."

"It's worth the pussy."

Jasper was such a man-whore. He would fuck anything with a pussy and that was exactly the reason I didn't want him with Alice. She could do better. Way better. She didn't need a guy who was likely to fuck her maid of honor at her wedding and her best friend at her birthday party.

"Boss. There's a disposable at the bar. Volturi material," Felix poked his head in through the door and said. "What do you want us to do?"

"Take him out back quietly and weaken him. We're coming," I ordered and with a nod he left. Then turning to Jasper I said, "You up to get your hands dirty?"

He nodded with a grin, his excitement plastered on his face. We both got up and headed down the hallway. Instead of going toward the main scene of the club, we went out to he back with Felix and the guys when beating a sandy blonde man to pulp. The boys were quick and his face was already coated in blood and he could barely move.

"Who are you?" I asked coldly.

He kept his mouth shut and glared at me through his bloodshot, beady eyes.

I nodded to Jasper who gave a quick kick to his ribs. The man groaned and turned his glare Jasper instead.

"Hold him up," I snapped at two of the boys.

When they were holding him up by his arms, Jasper proceeded to place his fists on his jaw and nose, repeatedly.

"Vl-V-Vlosky," he sputtered finally after the seventh blow.

I nodded at Jasper to back off and he did reluctantly.

"Who do you work for?"

"Volturi," he gasped. "Please don't kill me."

"You're pathetic. Scum. Giving yourself up so easily. Unloyal. Very disposable," I leered at his fearful face.

"The money. It was for the money. Please. I have a wife and a kid at home. I needed the money," he pleaded.

"Clean this mess up," I said icily and turned back to the club. "C'mon Jasper. I want a drink."

"Please! My baby girl! My wife! No! Plea," he begged loudly but his hoarse voice was cut off by a loud gunshot.


	4. Ugh Friday

**Authors Note: **Hey guys! Sooooooo sorry about not updating on time but the chapter got deleted just after I finished it and I had to rewrite it. Plus, I've had so many assignments and test this week. Really sorry. But enjoy this chapter kay. Love you all.

**Next Update:** Saturday, October 6th, 2012

**Lose Yourself**

**Chapter 4: Ugh Friday**

_Don't tell me who I should be_

_And don't try to tell me what's right for me_

_Don't tell me what I should do_

_I don't wanna waste my time_

_I'll watch you fade away_

_~ Simple Plan, Shut Up_

[BPOV]

"Fuck Fridays," I mumbled and glared at my Harry Potter alarm clock through bleary eyes.

I fucking hate Friday mornings. Shittiest mornings of the week. Well except for Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday mornings. Friday mornings are teases. Teasing you with mere hours till you can start your weekend and relax. Horrid temptations. Someone punch Friday mornings in the face. If they have faces. I don't think they do. Well that sucks. Plan b, I guess.

I dragged myself out of my warm and inviting bed and to the kitchen. Where my coffee was waiting. My savior. My white light.

It was only after two cups of coffee and a long shower that I as finally awake and presentable. I wouldn't want to scare my students off now would I? But that would mean I could go home and sleep. Not a bad idea. Too bad I've already cleaned up my look. Well a nap would fix that…shut up Bella. Go to work and teach those nerds.

I taught English literature at NYU to sleepy little nerds and ugly pervs who would stop staring down my shirt. Like hello. Do what you're here for. Learn and get the fuck out of my classroom. Gosh. I hate the world. Yup. I do.

As I was heading to the door of my apartment the phone rang. I groaned and walked back to the blaring phone. So much work.

"Who are you and what do you want?" I grumbled into the phone. I didn't care if I was being rude. I hated being late.

"Good morning to you too miss sunshine." Angela giggled.

"Hey Ang. What do you want? I'm going to be late. Again," I pointed out.

"You can't be late to a shift you don't even have."

"What the fuck Ang. I'm not in the mood for riddles. Cut the bullshit," I snapped. Angela knew how I was in the mornings and she was used to it.

"I called in sick for you so you don't have work today," she sang. "Girls day out baby! Whooo!"

Fuck my life and Fridays.

Hours later I was sitting in a spa getting pampered and treated like a princess. I wasn't as pissed as before but if the girl who was doing my nail didn't stop shoving her perky tits in my face every other minute I was going to kill someone.

Angela was finding me absolutely amusing today. Like what the fuck am I? America's Funniest Home Videos? Har har.

"Are you excited?" she asked with anxious fluttering eyes.

"About what?" I asked slowly with a shrug. What she on crack or something?

"Meeting Rosalie," she said as if it were the most obvious thing ever.

"Oh yeah. Her. Sure. I guess."

"You're not excited to meet your sister-in-law?"

"Future sister-in-law?" I corrected her.

"This is Emmett we're talking about. He's probably already consummated the marriage, went on like three honeymoons, and she's probably pregnant," Angela snorted.

"Damn. You think she's knocked up?" I wondered. It was a possibility.

"I'm joking Bella. Gosh. What is with you today? I'm pretty sure she's a sweet girl and I really don't think she's knocked up. The media would have a field day. Charles Swan's Only Son Gets Married Out of Wedlock."

"You're right. Sorry."

"Why aren't you excited? I know I am. You're so lucky you get to meet her tomorrow night. I have to wait till the wedding." Angela pouted and I laughed.

"You could always come over just before dinner and pretend you had no idea. I'll even pretend to invite you to dinner so you can stare at her all night from across the table."

"Not a bad idea Swan. I like the way you think. Now tell me," she demanded in a serious tone but her eyes were full of mirth.

"I don't know. Well I do but it's hard to explain. I mean…she's Emmett's fiancé. Of course she's going to be drop dead gorgeous with a killer body. What's she going to think of me? I'm just plain old Bella. I'm not even pretty. It'll be so embarrassing and she'll probably be a bitch. Ugh," I explained with a moan.

"Don't be silly Bella. Emmett would never date a girl like that. He doesn't do shallow girls and you're beautiful."

I ignored her compliment and pointed out, "All his previous girlfriends were shallow blonde bitches."

"You're just over-reacting," she assured me with an eye-roll and that wasn't very reassuring at all.

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not and I can do this all day you know."

"I know so shut up and let me talk."

I stuck my tongue out and her and she reciprocated. "I have something absolutely awesome planned for tonight. It'll just be the perfect way to calm you down."

"No way Angela. Your plans are dangerous."

'Suck it up Swan."

"Nooooo," I moaned.

"Grow a pair."

"Make me."

"Do you really want me to come over there and pull your vagina here and there till it resembles a set of balls?"

"Just try bitch. I know kung fu and many other dangerous words."

"Wanna hear another dangerous word?"

"Sure."

"Stilettos."

Fuck. My. Life. Again. And. Again.

And that's how I found myself stuffed into a slutty dress showing way too much cleavage and not covering enough of my legs and standing outside a prestigious club. There was a crowd tonight and it was a VIP only club so clearly that meant the owner was really desperate to get customers. I mean VIP means only a few selected people and not everyone in the fucking phone book.

"You know we still have time. We could always jump into the taxi and drive away," I suggested. Yeah. I was desperate. Sue me.

"Come on Bella. Don't be so negative. What the hell had been wedged up your ass since the sun came out?"

I sighed and followed her as the line moved and suddenly it was our turn. The bouncer was muscly and chiseled. Really cute.

"ID," he grunted, his eyes on Angela. Though she was too busy staring at him to hear. I elbowed her and she jerked around to glare at me with a hiss. Composing herself she turned back to him and reached into her purse. I followed suit. Once he was checked out IDs over he smiled. "Welcome to Transcendence. I hope you have a great time."

Angela blushed and whispered, "Thanks uh…."

"Ben," he offered and she blushed deeper.

"Thanks Ben. I'm Angela," she said and smiled sweetly.

"I'm Bella if anyone wants to know," I added and they both turned to look at me with embarrassment. "And I don't want to be here."

"Grow up Bella," Angela muttered.

Ben grinned. "Don't worry Bella. You're going to love it here. Great atmosphere. Great people."

I nodded reluctantly and Angela spoke up," It was nice to meet you Ben."

"You too Angela. Have a great night and I hope I get to see you before you leave."

With a quick wave to Ben, I ushered a flustered Angela into the club.

"Calm your tits Angela. You were seconds away from jumping him," I scolded her through giggles.

Angela blushed and shook her head with a grin.

"He was so pretty," she gasped.

I raised an eyebrow at her.

"Oh so you can think guys are pretty and I can't?" she accused with a grin. I just rolled my eyes and looked away from my infatuated and desperate friend.

Okay, so I had to admit one thing. This club was really something. It was huge and slightly dark which set the tone for a soothing and intense, yeah both, atmosphere. There was a roped off and guarded VIP staircase that led to the floors above. It gave the club a look of lavishness. The dance floor was pretty big and everyone on it seemed to be having the time of their lives.

We found a table near the corner and away from the rush of the dance floor. A waitress came by and left us two glasses of complimentary champagne. How did they know it was our first time? Weird.

"It seems nice," I admitted, casting my eyes around and taking small sips of my champagne.

"I told you so. See Bella. You gotta give the world a chance," she said warmly. "Isn't this…."

"Excuse me ladies."

We turned to look up at a tall blonde grinning down at us. He was cute but really nothing more. He turned to Angela and said, "Would you like to join me on the dance floor?"

Angela blushed and glanced at me. I smiled and nodded in encouragement. She gulped down the rest of her champagne and got up.

"I'd love to," she said and gave him a swift grin.

I smiled at the two as they walked away. It was nice to see Angela letting loose. She usually never danced with other guys at clubs, preferring to stay and chat with me at our table. This was a great improvement.

"Damn that's a heartbreaking sight to see."

I looked up at the honey coated, masculine voice and found myself staring into the ocean blue eyes of a tall, lanky blond with honey highlights. He smiled charmingly and gestured to Angela's empty seat across from me. I nodded with only the slightest hesitance. With a large grin he took the seat and I smiled at him.

"What's a pretty girl like you doing here sitting all alone?" he questioned with a soft chuckle.

"I'm actually here with my friend," I confessed and jerked my chin towards the dance floor. His eyes glanced at the dance floor for the briefest of moments before coming back to rest on her.

"She left you here for another guy," he confirmed lightly in that hot Texan accent of his.

"It's not like that," I frowned and defended Angela. "She never goes off with guys like this. She deserves to relax."

He nodded and took a sip from his glass of whatever he was drinking.

"So do you."

I smiled shyly and looked down at my champagne.

"Japser," he said suddenly.

I looked back up at him curiously.

"Jasper?" I wondered what he meant.

"My name," he clarified. "My name's Jasper."

"Bella."

"Ah. A beautiful name for a beautiful girl."

I grinned. It was nice to be called pretty by a hot guy every once in a while.

"You wanna dance?" he asked and jerked his chin towards the dance floor like I had done a few minutes ago.

"Nuh uh."

"Why not? C'mon it'll be fun."

"Nope. Dancing and me don't mix. I have two left feet," I told him with a warning clear in my words.

"Well since you don't dance," he said slowly, peeking up at me through his eye lashes. "We could always find another way to entertain ourselves."

His intention was clear in his voice. He wanted to fuck. The whole dancing thing was just a ruse to get into my panties. Great. With the way this was going, I was going to end up alone with fifty cats.

"Um Jasper," I started but I was cut off by his phone. He smiled apologetically before raising it to his ear.

"Hey Eddie," he greeted. "Don't tell me your still holed up in your office. C'mon down man. Loads of girls here. A great selection to choose from. I know I already found my poison." As he said this he winked at me.

I smiled back tentatively but honestly the way he talked about girls irritated me. He sounded like a real big manwhore. Treating women like whores.

Then he sighed and said, "Alright man. I'll be there in a few. Kay."

"Everything alright?" I asked when a sad look crossed his face.

"Yeah but I'm afraid I won't be able to stay. Got some work to do. Really urgent."

"It's alright."

"Naw. I feel bad for leaving you here all alone."

"I'll be okay. Seriously," I assured him.

"Okay but promise me if someone bugs you or if something goes wrong you'll tell the bouncer or one of the security guards," he insisted with soft eyes.

Aww. He may sound like a manwhore but he was being real sweet right now.

"Promise."

With another charming smile and a sweet goodbye he was gone. I sighed as I met eyes with a waitress walking by.

"Cranberry martini please."

This was going to be a long night.


	5. Dinner

**Lose Yourself**

**Chapter 5: Dinner**

_And all these words that you meant to say_

_Held in silence day after day_

_Words of kindness that our poor hearts crave_

_Please, don't keep them hidden away_

_~ Josh Groban, Hidden Away_

[BPOV]

"Bella! Have you seen my watch?" Emmett yelled loudly from his room.

"Which one?" I cried impatiently as I ravaged all the drawers for the wine cork opener.

"The Armani one."

"It's next to your alarm clock!" I hollered back. Where was that blasted thing?

"Who put it there?" He grumbled loudly as he walked into the kitchen. "What're you looking for? Atlantis?"

"You did. Just before you panicked when your fiancée called, whom I've never met despite the fact that I'm your sister and you're always with her," I reminded him with a roll of my eyes. "The wine cork opener and unless you want to go sober tonight you better help me find it."

"Shit. I let Mrs. Wollyberg borrow it on Thursday," he remembered with a groan. "Great. I'll have to go get it. Though, seriously Bella? You're going to bring that up now?"

I glared at his back and followed him into the living room. "When else am I going to bring it up? After your honeymoon? After you've had your first kid?"

"Well you're meeting her now so I don't know why you're complaining," he shrugged as he opened the front door of my tiny, cozy apartment.

"Are you for real? You should be wondering why I haven't complained yet. It's been two years Emmett! Two goddamn years! I've never once met your fiancée. All I know is her fucking name! Do you know how fucked up that is? All I know is that your going to marry Rosalie Hale next week. I don't know if she's tall or short, blonde or a brunette, or if she wears glasses. Nothing! I know absolutely nothing. I'm your fucking sister and I've never met the woman your going to marry next week. That is the saddest shit I've ever heard Emmett and damn you if you think I'm ever going to let you forget. I don't think there's any fucking excuse for you to hide her from me for two fucking years. Hell! I know there isn't," I snapped furiously. Finally. After two years of hiding my hurt behind guilt I'd enough. I was so pained when I realized that Emmett didn't trust me or care enough to introduce me to the woman of his life. Then again, me being Bella Swan, I felt bad about confronting him. He was Emmett; my older brother, protector, and guardian angel. Everything he did had a reason and most of the times the reason was my safety. Emmett was known for being over-protective for as long as I could remember. However, now he was crossing the line. Actually he did that a while back. So why was I reacting now?

"We'll talk about this tomorrow. Rosalie should be here any minute," Emmett said quietly and slipped out of the door. Sighing, I turned back towards the kitchen and wiped at my eyes. Angry tears were threatening to make an appearance and I didn't want to meet Rosalie for the first time with watery, red eyes.

_Ding-dong_.

Turning back around, I stared at the front door with wide eyes. She was here! I was alone! Shit. I wasn't expecting this and I definitely didn't want it to happen. Meeting Emmett's fiancée alone was definitely not at the top of my bucket list.

With a slight hesitancy in my step, I walked over to the door and took a deep breath before opening it.

My initial thought was 'I knew it!' and I was pretty close to flipping out my phone and calling Angela. Tall blonde bombshell. That's all I can really say. Rosalie Hale was one hot chick and I'm pretty sure she knew that. With the confidence she stood with and the way her chin rose defiantly, one could immediately tell she was a force to be reckoned with. I also knew that if I was a lesbian, I would definitely have a crush on Rosalie. Even whilst I was straight I could notice how her black Prada dress hugged her slender curves perfectly and appreciate the beauty before me.

Bella Swan, you are totally checking out your brother's fiancée. Creep.

"Bella?" Her soft, chime-like voice flew through my thoughts and brought me out of my creepy stare.

I smiled tentatively and nodded. Grinning, Rosalie held out a hand and said, "I'm Rosalie Hale."

I wonder what kind of lotion she uses. Her hands are definitely softer than any other normal person.

"Pleased to meet you Rosalie," I said with a wider smile. "Come on in. Emmett just went on a highly dangerous mission to Mrs. Next Door to retrieve our cork opener and chances are he won't be able to escape for a while."

Why did I just say that? I'm such a dork. Mental face-palm.

Like everything else about her, Rosalie's laugh was enviable too. Sweet and captivating.

"Mrs. Wollyberg?" Rosalie wondered.

"Yeah. How'd you know?" I asked in amazement.

"I've heard loads of wild stories from Emmett about his treacherous encounters in her lair," she giggled softly.

"I've lived through plenty of them and let me tell you, they're not pretty," I told her as I led her to the living room. "Take a seat. Would you like something to drink?"

"Could I have a glass of water?" she asked sweetly as she sat down on the loveseat.

When I came back with the glass of water she thanked me and downed it in two gulps. I watched her with wide eyes and she smiled apologetically. "I was dead nervous about meeting you and I get thirsty when I'm tense," she explained quietly.

"Me? You were nervous about meeting me?" I asked disbelievingly as I took a seat on the grand three seat couch.

Rosalie nodded with pursed lips.

"Why?" I asked, still surprised.

"Well you're Emmett's sister and your opinion matters the most to him. You want the best for him and if you didn't think I was good enough he would leave me," Rosalie admitted softly.

"Why wouldn't I like you?" I shrugged. "If Emmett likes you then you're bound to be amazing. Besides, I doubt he'd leave you just because I was too insecure."

Rosalie shook her head at me and scoffed. "You really have no idea how much you mean to Emmett, do you? You are his everything, Bella. His everything. If he lost you he'd lose himself. You're his little sister. His family. Family is very important to Emmett."

My heart fluttered as Rosalie voiced her revered opinions of Emmett. I was amazed by how easily Rosalie had accepted my place in Emmett's life. I could swear there wasn't a single note of bitterness in her voice. Amazing.

"Ladies! I have survived!"

We both looked around to see Emmett walk in with a cork opener in one hand and lipstick marks on his face.

Pre-dinner was filled with laughter at Emmett explained how the bat-shit-crazy woman next door attacked his face with her lips because she wanted to know if her lipstick tasted like cherry. Rosalie was really cool. She told me a bit about herself and her hobbies and I had to say I was impressed. She was black belt in Karate, as was her brother, and she loved shopping. Her true passion, however, was cars. Rosalie Hale loved fast and expensive cars. She loved tuning them up in her spare time and she even got _Luxury Auto Direct Magazine _subscriptions. It was hard to imagine immaculate and fair Rosalie playing around in grease. Everything, from her manicured nails to her expensive designer clothes, spoke volumes of perfection.

Talk at the dinner table was a going fairly well as she complimented me on my lasagna and mushroom ravioli. Well it was going fairly well until I decided to open my mouth.

"So tell me more about your family Rosalie. You said you had a brother?" I asked curiously.

Emmett's face fell and Rosalie shot him a nervous look. I narrowed my eyes at the exchange but before I could comment, Rosalie spoke, "My twin brother actually. His name is Jasper and he looks a lot like me. He's blond, tall, he's got blue eyes. Mine have a bit of violet in them. He actually stayed with my aunt and uncle in Texas for a couple months when he was little so he picked up a little southern accent. He's a bit on the lean side and more of a history geek at times."

I nodded and smiled at her tone. Rosalie's voice contained respect and admiration for brother.

"Is he married? I'm just curious. I'm no cougar trying to sink her paws into your brother," I added quickly when Rosalie gave Emmett another look. Emmett nodded at his plate and Rosalie let out a sigh.

"Oh no Bella. Don't worry. Of course you would be curious about your brother in law." She smiled kindly at me. "He's not but I'm afraid he's a player of sorts. Well he actually doesn't even date girls. He fucks them and then leaves them. I'm just warning you now in case you ever meet him. Of course he wouldn't dare try anything on Emmett's sister and his own sister-in-law but just in case."

I gaped at her in surprise. "Wow. I'm sorry but I didn't expect that. Sisters don't usually freely admit how much of a collection their brother's sex life is."

She smiled again and nodded. "You're right but Jasper is what he is. I can't lie about his nature. Though deep down I know he's a real sweetheart, I can't lie about who he is on the outside."

_I gotta shoppin problem_

_She gotta shoppin problem_

_I'm a composive shopper_

_So I'm a cop her prada_

_I'm a ice her outta_

_Make ya talk about her_

_She got this thang about her_

_Yea she a sexy walker_

Nicki Minaj's _Shopaholic_ blasted out of Emmett phone and he grinned when he heard it.

"Alice." Rosalie giggled.

"Hey Ali-bear," Emmett said into the phone.

"Rose, Alice says hi," Emmett informed her and rolled his eyes. "No Alice. I'm not going to take my sister to the mall and pretend you just happened to bump into us. You can meet her at the practice wedding."

"Emmett!" Rosalie glared at him.

"Ugh! Fine. I'll talk to her and see if she wants to join you and Rosalie on a lunch date."

I could hear a loud squeal coming out of the speaker and Emmett cringed.

"Don't you have anything better to do on a Saturday night, Alice? Go bug Edward about his date to the wedding. He still needs to pick one."

"Whose Alice?" I asked when he put the phone down.

Emmett hesitated before answering. "Alice is my best friend and employer's sister. He's her twin brother and his parents are Rosalie's godparents."

"We don't even think of each other like that. We're all pretty tight so we're all one big family," Rosalie added and squeezed Emmett's hand on the table.

"Wait until you meet Esme. She's Alice and Edward's mom. She's an amazing cook and she gives fuck-awesome hugs," Emmett said excitedly.

"Whose Edward?" I asked.

The reaction was automatic. Emmett's fork dropped from his hand and Rosalie looked down at her food. I could see Emmett's fist clenching under Rosalie's soft grasp.

"He's my boss and best friend. He's also Alice's brother," Emmett whispered quietly.

The silence was uncomfortable as I watched the couple and tried to comprehend why they were reacting like this. Who was Edward? Clearly he was someone extremely important to entice such a reaction out of them.

"Um so Bella. Where do you work? Emmett mentioned that you're a professor," Rosalie said in a tight voice after a few minutes of eating in silence.

"Oh, I'm an English professor at NYU," I mumbled, a little confused to the sudden change in topic. "What about you?"

There it was again. The two exchanged another look and Emmett nodded again before Rosalie turned back to me with a tentative smile.

"I'm an interrogator of sorts."

That was interesting and definitely unexpected. I thought a woman like her would be doing something way more classy and feminine. Wow Bella. You're so sexist.

"For the police?" I wondered.

She shook her head.

"FBI?"

"Nope." She shook her head again and her lips curled in amusement.

"I give."

"I work for Edward," she said quietly and looked down right after saying that.

I furrowed my brow and watched as Emmett squeezed her hand and then peeked up at me through his lashes.

"Bella, I think it's time we talked," he whispered.


	6. Longing Remorse

**Lose Yourself**

**Chapter 6: Longing Remorse**

_War without end_

_No remorse, no repent_

_We don't care what it meant_

_Another day, another death_

_Another sorrow, another breath_

_No remorse, no repent_

_We don't care what it meant_

_Another day, another death_

_Another sorrow, another breath_

_~ Metallica, No Remorse_

[EPOV]

"Go away Alice," I yelled loudly from my spot on the couch but instead of stopping, the incessant pounding got louder.

"Open up Edward!" The door muffled her screams but it was still loud.

"You have a key," I reminded her regretfully.

"If I had the key with me do you think I would be standing out here and waiting for your sorry ass to open the door?" Shit. She was angry.

I rolled me eyes but went open the door anyways. When I did, instead of receiving gratitude, I got a hard smack on the arm and a loud huff.

"Ouch Alice," I groaned as she stormed past me.

"Oh shut it Edward," she retorted and took out her cell phone. "Chinese or sushi?"

"Um Mexican?"

"Ew, no! I'm not eating tacos on a Saturday night."

"What's wrong with tacos on a Saturday night?"

"Gosh Edward! You're so insensitive," she snapped. "Pick out a good movie while I place an order."

"What the hell Alice?" I grumbled but complied all the same.

By the time the food arrived she was calmer but only by a little. Though I refused to put on a chick flick just to keep her happy. So we went with _The Avengers_. You can't go wrong with that, right? I mean everyone loves the movie.

"So care to tell me why you're stuffing your face on my couch on a Saturday night?" I asked when she stopped eating to take a sip of her wine.

"Jasper is bowling with Carlisle and they told me you refused to go with them. Rosalie is having dinner with Emmett and his sister so you're the only one left," she explained.

"I'm surprised you haven't tried to gatecrash their dinner," I teased and she grinned.

"I wanted to but mom threatened to tell Jasper about our trip to Paris if I tried. In fact, that totally gives me an idea."

I watched in amusement as she took out her phone and began tapping away.

"Hello?"

"Hey Emmett. Tell Rose I say hi."

A pause.

"Hey listen. I had an idea. Why don't you take your sister to the mall tomorrow and then I'll bump into you. We can totally pretend it was just a fluke," Alice suggested hopefully, bouncing on the spot.

Another long pause.

Alice frowned and with a pout, said, "How about a lunch date then? With Rose and me?"

Emmett must've agreed because then she squealed and I winced at the volume. But then she rolled her eyes and chuckled. "I'll make sure he finds one. Don't you worry."

Now it was my turn to frown. I knew what they were talking about. Alice wanted me to bring a date to the wedding but I wouldn't budge. I didn't have a girlfriend to go with and I refused to go to my best friend's wedding with a gold-digging whore on my arm. I'd rather go single and face Alice's wrath.

"Alice I'm not bringing a date," I warned her once she put her cell phone away. "So don't even try."

"Oh come one Edward! You can't show up alone. What will people think? You have to consider your reputation."

"I'm a well feared and well respected mafia lord. That's my reputation."

"But Edward!" she whined.

"No Alice," I said firmly. "End of discussion."

"Don't you 'end of discussion' me Edward Anthony Masen Cullen!" she screamed angrily with narrow eyes.

I flinched at her use of my full name.

"I said end of discussion," I repeated and looked away from her glare.

"We'll see about that," Alice sneered, looking away with a huff and crossed arms.

"Sure we will," I replied smoothly.

Alice didn't leave until it was well past midnight and when she did, it was with another glare and repeated argument. I was so relieved when I closed the door behind her. Now don't get me wrong, I love my sister, but sometimes she just drives me insane. She pushed my limits and tried to move me. She just doesn't understand that I'm like a wall. I'm unmovable.

When my head finally hit my pillow, I was out like a light instantly. Darkness was quick to fall over me.

_Brown eyes. Big, brown eyes. Chocolaty. Warm. Soft._

"_Edward? Don't leave me Edward! Don't you dare leave me!"_

_That voice. Familiar. So goddamn familiar._

"_Edward!"_

_I tried to look around and find the source but nothing. I was in a field. A big, beautiful field filled with nothing but flowers…and me. Nobody else._

"_Edward! Fight Edward!"_

_Where was she? I couldn't see her. She sounded so worried. So scared. Why? Was it because of me?_

_I tried to speak to tell her to not worry but no sound came out._

"_Edward! Speak to me! Tell me you're going to wake up! You have to!"_

_I tried. I tried so hard. But it was no use. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't. The harder I tried the heavier my chest got. My heart was aching for my angel. My savior. It ached to soothe her worries. I wanted nothing more than to pull her into my arms and tell her it would be okay._

_Brown eyes. Hauntingly beautiful brown eyes. So pretty. So warm._

"_You can't leave me Edward! You can't!" _

_She was crying. I could hear it in her words that her throat was thick with tears. She shouldn't cry. Angels shouldn't cry._

"_You left me Edward!"_

_She wasn't sad anymore. Angry. She was angry. _

"_You promised!"_

_I yearned to say "I'm sorry" but, like before, it was no use. I didn't mean to anger her. I wanted nothing more to stay by her side and fill her with her heart's desires._

"_You broke your promise!"_

_The words "I'm sorry" were at the tip of the tongue but unable to stumble out. Why was it so hard to apologize to my angel?_

"_I HATE YOU!"_

My eyes snapped open and I wrenched myself out of bed. Within seconds I was leaving over the rim of the toilet and puking out the contents of my dinner. And my lunch. And anything else that was left. 

Déjà vu loomed over my head as I dragged myself out of my bedroom. My feet took me to my dark beauty. I opened my eyes to find myself on my piano bench. Fingers ready to let out all the painful remorse in my soul. The more music I played the more it hurt. But I couldn't stop. I just had to keep playing. The regret wasn't leaving. In fact, it was increasing. It went from a pang in my heart to ripples of pain flashing through my entire body. So I let it out. I let it all out. Years and years of pent up frustration. Guilt. Remorse. Pain. Longing. I ached and yearned for my brown-eyed angel. My savior. My only ray of light in this dark, cloudy world.


	7. Revelations

**Lose Yourself**

**Authors Note:**Hey everyone! Please don't kill me for the ending. I was wondering if I should start a blog? What do you guys think? Thanks for reading. Reviews are much loved and appreciated.

**Chapter 7: Revelations**

_Such a shame that I wouldn't know by now_

_Your revelations_

_Cut me in, I don't wanna live without_

_Your revelations, revelations _

_~ Audio Slave, Revelations_

[BPOV]

The tension in the air was palpable as I cleared away the dinner table. Rosalie and Emmett offered to help but I refused. After arguing with me for a minute or so, Emmett finally led Rosalie back into the living room. They wanted to talk comfortably without any distractions. I snorted internally. They were behaving like they were going to tell me that secretly they were both a part of the mafia. As if.

When I finally settled onto the couch, across from the grim couple, I observed the way they were behaving. They were gripping onto each other's hand like they were holding onto a lifeline. Rosalie looked a tad bit more composed than Emmett but her nerves were definitely showing through.

"What's going on guys?" I wondered out loud.

They both exchanged a look before Emmett cleared his throat and then looked me in the eye. "Bella, there are some things I haven't told you."

"Well no shit!" I snapped, the tension getting to me. "How about a lot of things?"

Emmett frowned but Rosalie gave me an apologetic smile.

"If I had it my way you would've been told from the start," Rosalie said quietly. "I think it's really unfair how Emmett decided to keep you out of our lifestyle without asking you or anything. It's your decision and I think you'll end up surprising us all."  
I gave her a grateful smile and shot my brother a glare. He just shifted uneasily in his seat and let out a deep sigh.

"I can tell her, baby," Rosalie offered to him but he shook his head and turned back to me.

"Bella, two years ago I was at an outdoor café," Emmett began but gave me a pointed look when I raised my eyebrows at his introduction. "Just hear me out. Please."

I nodded with the tiniest amount of guilt.

"So I was just drinking coffee when suddenly a van pulled up across the street. I noticed it immediately but didn't pay it any mind until the window opened and a guy brought out a gun."

I bit my lip nervously; afraid that Emmett was going to tell me he'd been shot.

"Oh, I didn't get hurt," he assured me when he saw the look on my face. "They weren't here for me."

"Who?" I interrupted curiously.

"Edward."

Who was this Edward guy that they kept mentioning? He made them really uncomfortable and I wasn't exactly sure whether he was the good guy or the bad.

"Don't jump to conclusions," Emmett warned me and I blushed guiltily. "I didn't know Edward then but I saw that they were aiming for him. Just before the guy shot the gun, I tackled Edward to the ground. The bullet when right through the air where Edward was sitting seconds before. It would've hit his heart if I hadn't saved him."

Was it wrong to glow with pride while your brother looked like he ran over a dog with his jeep?

"Edward was raised to always repay his dues," Rosalie interjected before Emmett could go on. "Even if he hadn't, that's the way it is in his line of work."

When I opened my mouth to ask exactly what was Edward's occupation, Rosalie shook her head and said, "We'll get to that eventually."

"He thanked me and told me that he owed me his life," Emmett continued. "Then the next day, I got a phone call from a man telling me to come to an office in Manhattan in the evening. I went and to my surprise it was Edward's office. He told me again that he owed me his life and that he had an offer for me."

Emmett paused to gauge my reaction and I gave him a small smile.

"He wanted to offer me the position of his personal body guard. They pay was extremely good, better than what I was getting at the gym. I agreed but there was a catch."

By this point, my curiosity had me at the edge of the couch

"Edward's parents are my godparents. We've all been pretty close growing up and then when Edward came into the picture, well it was just perfect," Rosalie said and then she answered the question that had popped into my head. "Edward is adopted. His mother was Esme's sister. Alice is adopted too but they were separated in the foster care system and the Cullen's managed to find Alice. They found Edward, years later, by accident but they'd been trying the entire time."

I nodded, not really understand what this had to do with Emmett's story.

"My dad was in the same line of work as Edward but by choice. Edward was pulled into the profession but there is no way out. Once you're in, you're in for life. Jasper and I grew up pretty close to our father. We were used to his job and at some point we even grew to prefer it. The lifestyle was all we'd known growing up so it was only natural that we choose it," Rosalie said evenly but then she paused to let out a deep breath. "My dad was killed on the job when Edward was nineteen. Jasper was supposed to take over for him but that wasn't what he wanted. Edward knew more about it than Jasper ever could and he was better suited for it. So Jasper just lied and pretended that my dad's will stated that Edward take over. It wasn't hard for everyone to believe because Edward worked up the ranks pretty quickly. He was good at what he did, too good actually. So Jasper became his second in command while Edward became the boss. The positions suit them both just like mine suits me."

"What kind of profession - ," I began to ask but Emmett raised a hand to silence me. Rosalie smiled at me apologetically and continued.

"I'm Edward's interrogator. I'm good at getting information out of people. I love my job even though many people in the same line of work doubt me. In the line of work I am, its frowned upon for women to get involved in the family business. No one can say anything, of course, since my dad was the old boss but I still see the looks. I don't care but they're there. I'm damn good at what I do and I'm proud."

"I don't get it. What line of work are you talking about? What exactly does Edward do?" I asked loudly before they could interrupt me again.

They exchanged looks again before Emmett opened his mouth to explain. "Bella, Edward is a part of the m - ."

_Ring, ring._

I cringed when the phone blared through the apartment.

"I'm so sorry. Let me just go see who is it," I told them apologetically and I was still grumbling when I reached for the phone. This was just getting good.

"Who are you and what do you want?" I groaned into the phone.

"Is that your usual greeting now because I swear, every time I call you answer just like that."

"Damn you, Angela. What do you want?" I glared at the phone when she giggled.

"Stop being grumpy and get your ass over here."

"Where is here and why?"

"I'm stranded at the grocery store with bags and bags of junk. My car won't start and there's a sleaze nearby who won't stop mentally undressing me," Angela explained. I could hear the little fear in her voice that she was keeping well hidden.

"Ugh! All right! I'm on the way. Don't move your gossip-blocking ass from there."

I put the phone down and turned back to an amused couple.

"I'm so sorry guys but I have to go. Angela's car broke down and if I don't get to the grocery store as soon as possible, some asshole is going to end up in the hospital for trying to rape her," I explained as I put on my coat. "Can we finish this later?"

"Sure Bella." Rosalie gave me a tight smile. "Can I call you in the morning to talk about lunch with Alice?"

I nodded vehemently. I was anxious to meet the famous Alice they kept talking about.

The last thing I saw before I closed the door behind me was Emmett's relieved face.


	8. Alice

**Lose Yourself**

**Authors Note: **Hey everyone! I'm so sorry about not updating sooner. I was so busy with schoolwork and 'Fighting Destiny'. I'm actually considering continuing 'Lovely Desire' but I haven't worked up the courage yet. Thanks so much for reading and reviews are much loved. They're like little presents of motivation put under the updating tree.

**Chapter 8: Alice**

_It's dreamy weather we're on_

_You waved your crooked wand____Along an icy pond with a frozen moon_

_A murder of silhouette crows I saw_

_And the tears on my face_

_And the skates on the pond_

_They spell Alice_

_~ Tom Waits, Alice_

[BPOV]

I had just finished breakfast when Rosalie called the next morning. She wanted to talk about lunch plans since Alice had been badgering her all night about it. I quickly agreed because honestly I couldn't wait to meet her. I'd heard so much about her and she sounded like a very fascinating person. I wanted to meet the girl who Emmett and Rosalie talked about with so much love in their voices. I was pretty jealous but I couldn't really change anything. Emmett had decided to keep me out of his life and even though it wasn't the best decision he ever made, it seemed important to him. I had to trust him because, after all, he was my older brother.

Okay, maybe my kinder and more forgiving feels towards him were due to the delicious breakfast in bed he had made me today. They were also due to the look on his face when I agreed to the lunch date. His face lit up like a Christmas tree and my heart swelled with love.

So I donned my prettiest pale yellow sundress and headed over to Starbuck. I was a little nervous as I headed inside and scanned the room for a pretty blonde. My stomach leaped with nerves when I saw gorgeous Rosalie sitting alongside a just as beautiful dark haired girl. They were chatting animatedly, waving their hands and such. Rosalie noticed me when I was just a few feet away and grinned. She waved me over and I followed with trepidation. Rosalie's companion turned her emerald green eyes on me and then let out a big smile. She jumped up from her seat and hugged me tightly before I could even open my mouth to say hello.

"Oh my gosh! I can't believe I'm finally meeting you! It's been two years since I've been begging Emmett and I swear I was this close to just showing up at your apartment. Seriously, though, you're absolutely beautiful! Emmett said you were but his words did not do you any justice. I just love your dress! I really like how you paired it up with gray flats and a matching guess purse. I can't wait to go shopping sometime! I can totally show you my favourite stores and favourite brands!" she squealed animatedly in my ears.

I was stunned when she pulled back and Rosalie chuckled at the look on my face. I'm sure I just looked like I saw a ghost but I couldn't help it. Alice was vibrating as she chatted my ear off. A bubble of energy she was.

"Sorry," she said sheepishly when she caught sight of my expression. "I'm just so excited. I couldn't help it."

I took a seat across from Alice, next to Rosalie, who gave me a soft hug. Alice was easy to talk to. She dominated most of the conversation but I never tired of hearing her. She switched topics often and continued to vibrate in her seat. She even flirted with the fumbling cashier when she went to order our coffees just for the fun of it.

"So Bella, Rosalie tells me you're an English professor. Aren't you a little young for that kind of position? No offence?" she quickly added as I put my coffee down.

"I am but my dad is a huge sponsor for the university so he got me the interview. They liked me so they hired me and here I am," I explained. "What about you? What do you do?"

Alice clapped her hands together and said excitedly, "I'm a fashion designer. I have my own brand and I just love it! My brother set me up with a couple boutiques and I just keep expanding."

"That's neat," I told her honestly. "Wait, your brother, Edward?"

Rosalie coughed softly and Alice hesitated in her vibrating. "You know him?"

I shook my head at her question and explained, "Rosalie and Emmett were telling me about him. He sounds interesting."

Interesting was not the word I originally had in mind but I had to remind myself that I was talking to his sister. I couldn't say words like 'weird' and 'cryptic' to her face.

"He's a very complex individual. What did they tell you?" she wondered curiously.

I shrugged and said, "Not much. Just stuff like how Emmett, Rosalie, and Jasper all work for him. Do you look like him?"

Alice's eyes widened at Jasper's name and her cheeks flushed a light pink. It was a small reaction but distinct. I didn't call her out on it but I had a feeling that little Alice had a crush.

She nodded and said, "Not at all. We don't look anything alike. He's a great boss and an even better brother. The best brother anyone could ever ask for."

Her obvious love and affection for this guy didn't explain Rosalie and Emmett's weird reactions. So when I left the coffee shop, a few minutes later, it was with a confused and whirring mind. I didn't watch where I was going and by the time I did, it was too late. I had somehow ended up in front of the same club Angela took me to on Friday. It looked almost empty as it wasn't open yet but there were a few sketchy people hanging near it.

"Hey sweet cheeks."

I turned around and flinched. I was standing inches from a burly man with vivid tattoos and a toothy smile. He leered at me and I took a step back.

"What's a pretty girl like you doing here? Looking for some fun, I bet."

I took another step back but the man grabbed my wrist and pulled me forward.

"Let go of me!" I cried and tried to wrench my hand out of his grasp.

"Come on baby girl. I can't wait to get you riding me. I bet you'd look mighty fine as I pound inside of you," he sneered and I blanched.

"I said let go! You don't know who my father is! You definitely don't want to mess with my family!" I warned him, trying to sound confident but the words came out faint.

"Come on Princess. I know you want it. Stop being such a goddamn tease, you little whore!"

"Sto -."

"Gustavo!"

The man looked away from me and said, "Sorry boss. This little whore is trying to play hard to get. Thinks she can get more dough off of me if she resists."

I turned to look at the honey voice that had spoken and found myself staring into very familiar green eyes.


End file.
